Wide awake
by grilledjellyfish
Summary: After Janet's death in 'Heroes', the gang has to deal... (SxJ)


Author's Notes:  
Hugs and more hugs go to San, Shan and Sabine for just being themselves!  
My way of dealing with Janet's death...  
  
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She was wide awake.  
Sam was lying on the edge of the bed in the spare room in her house, her hand intertwined with Cassie's.  
  
The young woman was resting beside Sam, her body still tensed and with red lines around her eyes, allowing the world to see her grief. She had been crying for nearly two hours, before she had finally succumbed to sleep.  
  
Sam was wide awake, staring into space as she listened to the rhythmic breathing of her soon-to-be adopted daughter. Though she hadn't actually contemplated it yet, in the back of her mind, she knew what this meant. Both for her and for Cassie.  
  
Shifting uncomfortably, Sam suddenly felt something wet on the skin of her shoulder.  
Some minutes ago Cassie had been clutching at her almost desperately, tears streaming down her face, which had then vanished in the material of her white blouse.  
  
Sighing, Sam checked one last time that Cassie was really asleep, before carefully getting up from the edge of the bed. She turned on the nightstand lamp and reached over Cassie's seemingly peaceful form and covered her with a quilt.  
  
Without looking back, Sam walked out of the room, closing the door behind her.  
As soon as she had heard the door clicking shut, Sam leaned against the wooden frame, her eyes closing and lips starting to tremble.  
  
But before the first sob could reach her throat, Sam pushed her body away from the frame, hands clenching to fists as she tried to gather the last of composure she could muster at this moment. She couldn't lose it now. She had shed enough tears already.  
  
There were still three men in her house. And they were not to see her breaking down again.  
  
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"Daniel?"  
Tired beyond words, Daniel opened his eyes, looking up to find Sam standing in front of him.  
  
He had been sitting on the couch for the better part of the last hour, not daring to talk, move or even think. Because thinking meant remembering and that meant dealing.  
  
Dealing with the loss of one of his best friends. Dealing with the fact that he had survived.  
And this, Daniel still refused to realize.  
  
Why had he, of all people survived?  
He had been travelling to other planets for about seven years, having faced death more than he liked to admit. He had actually died, a fact he wasn't proud of.  
  
But he was still alive, against all odds.  
And Janet? Well, he could count the times she had gated to other worlds on one hand and still, she was the first to go. She had been the first to leave them all behind, without the chance of ever getting back, without having the chance to choose.  
  
He had been kneeling directly beside her! Why hadn't the staff blast hit h.  
"Daniel?" He saw her standing in front of him, arms folded protectively across her chest.  
  
"Yeah, Sam?"  
Sam could hear the tiredness and defeat in his voice. And she knew exactly how he felt.  
  
Guilty.  
Of being alive. Of having not been able to save her. Of having had again the luck to escape.  
  
"You wanne sleep in my room tonight? I don't think you should drive home just yet."  
He nodded weakly and got up, suddenly feeling a lump rise in his dry throat.  
  
Before he could do anything against it, his arms had encircled Sam's body, his fingers digging into her back and trying to find something solid to hold onto.  
  
Sam closed her eyes, her own arms finding their way around his back where they grasped his shirt.  
She could feel him hold onto her for dear life.  
  
And then the first sob ragged his body.  
Sam's arms tightened around him, as he started to cry.  
  
Daniel couldn't prevent the tears from cascading down his cheeks, his emotions finally surfacing and making it difficult for him to breathe between the sobs.  
  
And while Daniel's walls had given away to the emotional pressure, Sam tried to hold hers up.  
She wasn't ready yet. Daniel needed her support now and she was going to give him all of her energy. So she merely listened to his sobs.  
  
After some minutes, Daniel couldn't cry anymore. His eyes hurt. Red and swollen.  
Slowly, he let go of Sam's blouse and pulled slightly away from her embrace. His eyes were casted downwards... he couldn't probably stand the emotions he would find in Sam's.  
  
"I just get up and lie down, ok?"  
Sam nodded. She didn't trust her voice to stay strong and unwavering.  
  
Daniel gave her arm one last squeeze before letting go completely.  
Closing her eyes, Sam listened to Daniel's steps, as he retreated silently upstairs to her bedroom.  
And after some moments, the house was silent again, the only noise being the ticking clock on the living room table.  
  
Sam just stood there.  
She didn't want to move right now, nor did she want to open her eyes. She wasn't ready to face the world around her... it was just too early.  
  
Maybe if she just stayed right there, nobody would see or miss her. And maybe, after some time, she would be able to forget.  
  
A sligth noise caught her attention and stopped the train of thoughts abruptly.  
He was somewhere behind her. She could feel his presence on another planet, knew he was with her even if she was alone.  
  
"Colonel."  
"Don't Colonel me, Sam."  
  
No.  
She couldn't handle this now! Sam knew she would break down if he continued like this and she wasn't willing to show him her vulnerability once more.  
  
"Don't."  
He didn't answer her verbally. Instead he started moving towards her, walking carefully but purposefully into her direction. Her eyes were still closed, but still, she knew that he was standing directly beside her.  
  
"Sam, I don't know..."  
"Where's Teal'c?" She cut in without waiting for him to finish his sentence.  
  
He let her get away with her intervention, not intending to force her just yet to speak about it if she didn't want to. Jack knew exactly how she felt and what she was going through, but he also knew what happened if one does bottle up such feelings and shove in some dark part of the brain. He had done it more than once and wasn't going to allow Carter to do this to herself.  
  
"He's upstairs, resting in your room... he didn't want to leave Daniel alone."  
She merely nodded, acknowledging his explanation without a word.  
  
"Daniel may have never actually realized it, but he had really liked Janet... a great deal."  
Sam could feel the tears prickling at the back of her eyes and brought one hand up, absently massaging the bridge of her nose.  
  
Then it was silent.  
And suddenly the silence was overwhelming for Sam. The sound of the clock, its rhythmic tick-tack,  
making her nearly lose it completely. Sam opened her eyes and stared at the object, focusing all the hatred and pain she was feeling on it.  
  
Startled, Jack watched the clock flying through the air, before hitting the wall opposite him and shattering into uncountable pieces. They fell down onto the carpeted floor with some noise and Jack winced inwardly.  
  
She didn't feel any better. Not one damn bit.  
And suddenly she felt so guilty, it nearly tore her apart.  
  
One single tear escaped her eyes and rolled down her cheek. Jack watched her from the corner of his eyes, waiting for the right moment to move. He knew she wouldn't be able to hold the wall up for much longer.  
  
Sam felt all the remaining strength leave her body at once, draining from her as if somebody had switched some flick. Another tear fell down her cheek. And then she couldn't prevent the others from following. Her world was shattered, just like that clock on the floor. She felt as if time had stopped around her and she chuckled tiredly at thinking about this metaphor and seeing the remains of the former chronometer.  
  
"Oh my God..."  
Her legs seemed to give away underneath her and Sam fell to her knees, hands coming up to cover her face and hiding her from the world outside. She was so tired. Tired of the world, tired of life.  
She was even too tired to breathe.  
  
Jack saw her cowering on the floor and got down onto his knees.  
He was now sitting in front of her, knees bumping against hers.  
  
She was still covering her face with her hands and refused to loock at him.  
But he needed to make her see him. Jack couldn't stand the sight of 'his' Sam Carter crying, desperate and lost. This was something he hoped he would never get accustomed to. Never!  
  
Slowly, Jack moved his hands towards hers, where they were hiding her face from him. And ever so carefully, he took them.  
  
Sam felt his hands grasping hers and she just let him lead them away from her face and onto her thighs.  
  
Not daring to look up, Sam settled on watching their joined hands, her smaller ones fitting in his larger hands easily. It was so soothing to just feel his skin on hers, making her forget the pain for just a second.  
  
But then he let go of her hands and Sam looked up, ready to voice her protest. To her surprise, his body moved towards her, arms tightening around her as he pulled her further into his embrace. She was too stunned to even consider putting up resistance and so she let him have his will.  
  
Jack was relieved to find her responding to his action by encircling him with her arms, just as he was doing.  
He was her lifeline, holding her, protecting her from all the feelings of guilt and self-reproaches. At this moment, Sam felt secure. It felt right and natural... This couldn't be wrong.  
  
"Thank you, Jack." Sam closed her eyes and enjoyed saying and hearing his name coming from her.  
  
At hearing her call him by his first name, Jack held her more tightly against his chest and inhaled deeply.  
He didn't want this moment to end so soon and closed his eyes, refusing to allow the world entrance to his mind.  
  
"I just hope, she's fine... wherever she is."  
Sam swallowed soundly, trying to clear her throat, that seemed to constrict tighter with every second that Jack held her.  
  
Smiling warmly into her neck, Jack sighed.  
"Ya know, I think she will probably vaccinate every angel up there. I guess heaven will be a tetanus-free-zone for a very long time."  
  
Sam chuckled at this, a new tear rolling down her cheek and vanishing in Jack's white shirt.  
At hearing her chuckle for the first time in two days, Jack's smile broadened and with his right hand he started rubbing Sam's lower back.  
  
They had lost a dear friend.  
But somewhere in her mind, Sam knew she would be alright.  
  
----------  
  
Sam was wide awake.  
Lying on the couch of her living room, his arm holding her protectively against his chest. Jack was snoring lightly and Sam listened to his rhythmic breathing, her head moving up and down with his chest.  
  
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FINIS!!! 


End file.
